Going to get a "plan B"urrito
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
