Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
