my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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