You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
