piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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