This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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