K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I am midnight drunk by noon
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
