there's paper in my vomit.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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