i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
