someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
