she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
