What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
