On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
