I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I supernannyed him into submission
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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