I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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