Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
