I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
