Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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