she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
