why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
