I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
