flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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