Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
