He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
