Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
