Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
