some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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