i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I came so hard my ears popped.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
