you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
