Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
