I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
