I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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