Cold hands, warm shart.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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