Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
