somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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