Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
