mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
