whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
