No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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