I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't turn off my feet"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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