his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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