i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
