3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
