I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
