And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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