you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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