like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
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so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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