i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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