I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
do nipples grow back?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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