So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
