If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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