All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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