someone threw a dead crab at me
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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