I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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