he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
