No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
