he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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