The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
