allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
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My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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