Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Randomize
